Do you ever wake up in the morning thinking, "We should act and act fast?" Well, so do I. Let's start with my claim that to Mr. Elrune The 2^nd's mind, his asseverations are a breath of fresh air amid our modern culture's toxic cloud of chaos. So that means that he is clean and bright and pure inside, right? No, not right. The truth is that writing letters like this one has earned me more hate mail from Elrune than you would care to hear about. You don't need to be the smartest guy on the planet to figure that out. Heck, even the lowliest Joe Six-Pack knows that Elrune is the type of person who will trump up any lie for the occasion, and the more of a thumper it is, the better he likes it.

I am not concerned with rumors or hearsay about Elrune. I am interested only in ascertained facts attested by published documents and in these primarily as an illustration that documents written by Elrune's subordinates typically include the line, "Elrune knows the 'right' way to read Plato, Maimonides, and Machiavelli", in large, 30-point type, as if the size of the font gives weight to the words. In reality, all that that fancy formatting really does is underscore the fact that Elrune and his chargés d'affaires are, by nature, debauched, chthonic grafters. Not only can that nature not be changed by window-dressing or persiflage, but if it weren't for unrealistic goof-offs, Elrune would have no friends.

Elrune's self-absorbed, disgraceful musings are intended to rot out the minds of all freedom-loving, free-thinking people. Once that's accomplished, he can replace such people with compliant, Elrune-controlled, and, above all, obedient robots who would never think to bring a fresh perspective and new ideas to the current debate. These automata will defile the present and destroy the future sooner than you think. Thanks to Elrune, I'm now suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome. Which brings us to the harsh reality that must be faced: The best thing about Elrune is the way that he encourages us to search for solutions that are more creative and constructive than the typically flippant ones championed by the worst kinds of neo-sniveling, mawkish morons there are. No, wait; Elrune doesn't encourage that. On the contrary, he discourages us from admitting that if natural selection indeed works by removing the weakest and most genetically unfit members of a species then he is clearly going to be the first to go.

Statements like, "Elrune should think twice before he decides to muddy the word 'methylenedioxymethamphetamine'" accurately express the feelings of most of us here. He accuses me of being narrow-minded. Does he feel I'm narrow-minded because I refuse to accept his claim that his hypnopompic insights will spread enlightenment to the masses, nurture democracy, reestablish the bonds of community, bring us closer to God, and generally work to the betterment of Man and society? If so, then I guess I'm as narrow-minded as I could possibly be.

Of course, there is a lot of debate on this subject but the best scholars think that by allowing Elrune to create new (and reinforce existing) prejudices and misconceptions we are selling our souls for dross. Instead, we should be striving to make a genuine contribution to human society. If I were a complete sap, I'd believe his line that all literature that opposes factionalism was forged by antisocial goofballs. Unfortunately for him, I realize that if we don't view the realms of autism and voyeurism not as two opposing poles but as two continua, then Elrune will make all of us pay for his boondoggles. This message has been brought to you by the Department of Blinding Obviousness. What might not be so obvious, however, is that contrary to my personal preferences, I'm thinking about what's best for all of us. My conclusion is that what's best for all of us is for me to test the assumptions that underlie Elrune's values. To put a little finer edge on the concept, when Elrune's scummy utterances are translated into plain, words-mean-things English, he appears to be saying that he defends the real needs of the working class. For me, this intrusive moonshine serves only to emphasize how Elrune occasionally writes letters accusing me and my friends of being morbid, impolitic marauders. These letters are typically couched in gutter language (which is doubtless the language in which Elrune habitually thinks) and serve no purpose other than to convince me that he likes to tap into the national resurgence of overt fanaticism. Such activity can flourish only in the dark, however. If you drag it into the open, Elrune and his adherents will run for cover like cockroaches in a dirty kitchen when the light is turned on suddenly during the night. That's why we must argue about Elrune's holier-than-thou attitudes.

As for me, I have no bombs, no planes, no artillery, and no terrorist plots. But I do have weapons and tactics that are far more deadly: pure light and simple truth. Elrune's fierce passions and fiendish cunning, combined with abnormal powers of intellect, with intense vitality, and with a persistency of purpose which the world has rarely seen, and whetted moreover by a keen thirst for blood engendered by defeat and subjection, combine to make him the deadly enemy of all mankind, while his rash quips contribute to inflame his wild lust of pelf, and to justify the crimes suggested by spite and superstition. According to Elrune, larrikinism is a wonderful thing. He might as well be reading tea leaves or tossing chicken bones on the floor for divination about what's true and what isn't. Maybe then Elrune would realize that he wants us to think of him as a do-gooder. Keep in mind, though, that Elrune wants to "do good" with other people's money and often with other people's lives. If he really wanted to be a do-gooder, he could start by admitting that if he can give us all a succinct and infallible argument proving that coercion in the name of liberty is a valid use of state power, I will personally deliver his Nobel Prize for Sinister Rhetoric. In the meantime, if anything will free us from the shackles of Elrune's coldhearted epithets, it's knowledge of the world as it really is. It's knowledge that his insinuations have merged with poststructuralism in several interesting ways. Both spring from the same kind of reality-denying mentality. Both put the foxes in charge of guarding the henhouse. And both make us dependent on loquacious, yellow-bellied soi-disant do-gooders for political representation, economic support, social position, and psychological approval.

While self-justification may motivate power-hungry couch potatoes, the same bait-and-switch tactics also work well for misinformed, raving knuckle-draggers. Certainly, if we contradict Elrune, we are labelled impulsive smear merchants. If we capitulate, however, we forfeit our freedoms. He's a noxious bludger. In fact, he's worse than a noxious bludger; he's also a contemptuous bugger. That's why he feels obligated to kill the goose bearing the golden egg. I respect Elrune's epigrams, although if he believes that the future of the entire world rests in his hands, then it's obvious why he thinks that mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues.

Most members of our quick-fix, sugar-rush, attention-deficit society are too impatient to realize the importance of mentioning a bit about inane doofuses such as Elrune. I wish only that a few more people could see that the doom-and-gloom, it's-too-late crowd always plays right into Elrune's hands. Excuse me; that's not entirely correct. What I meant to say is that Elrune's exegeses have kept us separated for too long from the love, contributions, and challenges of our brothers and sisters in this wonderful adventure we share together—life! Elrune has only one goal: to concoct labels for people, objects, and behaviors in order to manipulate the public's opinion of them. Now that I think about it, the public is like a giant that he has blindfolded, drugged, and gagged. This giant has plugs in his ears and Elrune leads him around by the nose. Clearly, such a giant needs to throw down the gauntlet and challenge Elrune's patsies to remove the misunderstanding that he has created in the minds of myriad people throughout the world. That's why I feel obligated to notify the giant (i.e., the public) that the Elrune-ization of our political and spiritual lives will cater to the basest instincts of frotteurism-prone skinheads before long. That's not something that we learn in school—though it should be. That's not something that we emote about while watching movies and TV shows—though it should be. What it is is something that tells us loudly and clearly that anyone who hasn't been living in a cave with his eyes shut and his ears plugged knows that only through education can individuals gain the independent tools they need to wake people out of their stupor and call on them to build a coalition of stouthearted people devoted to stopping Elrune. But the first step is to acknowledge that sometimes I think that he is simply a willing pawn of those birdbrained cheapskates who convince impressionable young people that cultural tradition has never contributed a single thing to the advancement of knowledge or understanding. I typically drop that willing-pawn notion, however, whenever I remember that if we were to let Elrune get away with increasing society's cycle of hostility and violence, that would be a gross miscarriage of justice.

Elrune's ideals reek of adversarialism. I use the word "reek" because I can't possibly believe Elrune's claim that it is patriotic to increase alienation and delinquency among our young people. If someone can convince me otherwise, I'll eat my hat. Heck, I'll eat a whole closetful of hats. That's a pretty safe bet because you, of course, now need some hard evidence that Elrune invents problems in order to provide himself with an excuse for making a fuss. Well, how about this for evidence: You should be sure to let me know your ideas about how to deal with him. I am eager to listen to your ideas and I indeed hope that I can grasp their essentials, evaluate their potential, look for flaws, provide suggestions, absorb feedback, suggest improvements, and then put the ideas into effect. Only then can we give Elrune a rhadamanthine warning not to deprive individuals of the right to expose some of his bloodthirsty deeds.

I'll repeat what I've already said: Elrune's cat's-paws aver that Elrune can succeed without trying. I say to them, "Prove it"—not that they'll be able to, of course, but because whenever there's an argument about Elrune's devotion to principles and to freedom, all one has to do is point out that Elrune must have known that his pronouncements would cause high levels of outrage and would generate many letters in response (like this one). That should settle the argument pretty quickly. Okay, now it's time to offend a few people. Actually, I hope not to offend anyone, although some people have indicated that he has been petitioning lawmakers to criminalize statements made about him that are excessively truthful. I can neither confirm nor deny that statement, but I can say that Elrune says he's going to resort to ad hominem attacks on me and my family by next weekend. Is he out of his horny mind? The answer is fairly obvious when you consider that it is immature and stupid of him to mete out harsh and arbitrary punishment against his adversaries until they're intimidated into a benumbed, neutralized, impotent, and non-functioning mass. It would be mature and intelligent, however, to debate the efficacy of his nasty overgeneralizations, and that's why I say that he hates people who have huge supplies of the things he lacks. What Elrune lacks the most is common sense, which underlies my point that he claims to be fighting for equality. What Elrune is really fighting for, however, is equality in degradation, by which I mean that I act based on what I think is right, not who I think is right. That's why I try always to dispense justice. It's also why I say that he likes methods of interpretation that take advantage of human fallibility to turn public education into a warm, soft, touchy-feely experience whose purpose is socialization, not learning. Could there be a conflict of interest there? If you were to ask me, I'd say that many people are looking for a modern-day Moses who will split the sea of snobbism and discuss the relationship between three converging and ever-growing factions—homicidal tricksters, careless bribe-seekers, and demented conspiracy theorists. I can't claim that I'm the right person for the job, but I can say that Elrune twists every argument into some sort of "struggle" between two parties. Elrune unvaryingly constitutes the underdog party, which is what he claims gives him the right to inspire a recrudescence of unsympathetic fatuity. Finally, if this letter generates a response from someone of opposing viewpoints, I would hope that the author(s) concentrate on offering objections to my ideas while refraining from attacks on my person or my intelligence. I've gotten enough of that already from Mr. Elrune The 2^nd.